My Dad
My dad is a really amazing guy. He's the sort of guy that everyone loves to be around and who loves to help people out. But he's developed dementia and Parkinson's and it's just ripping through him like a wildfire. It's easily the saddest thing I've ever watched in my life, but I don't really acknowledge it much. I think I do that for my sister and my mom because they're suffering through it pretty hard. I'm not even sure why I'm putting it here except that I figure it's just like putting it into the void. Today he mailed my younger daughter and letter opener that she said she wanted when she was 10. He was so convinced that she absolutely wanted to have it. And when we called him and spoke to him he told me he had made up his mind that he wanted to sell their house and move to a farm with us in Texas. If I actually thought my mom would go along with that I'd do it in a heartbeat. Not that he could even do much on it, other than sit and look at it. But that would be enough I think. It's a fucked up thing, like watching a slow motion car crash.
Fuck
Sad to hear, I know what you are talking about.
My mom barely survived a stroke three years ago and hasn't been the same since. As hard as it is, it is important to remember that your dad is still the same person, even if it doesn't look and feel like it at times. Empathy and treating him like the person you used to know goes a long way in my experience.
Have you asked your mom if she would go along with the move to Texas?
I’m sorry. My grandmother had dementia/Alzheimers for a maybe 4-5 years before she passed. She also had really bad vision around that time too, which made things even more confusing for her. It was pretty rough near the end. I know you are venting and I’m sure you already know this - but do your best to enjoy the time you have now.
@Gustafsaidin@GustafMy dad is a really amazing guy. He's the sort of guy that everyone loves to be around and who loves to help people out. But he's developed dementia and Parkinson's and it's just ripping through him like a wildfire. It's easily the saddest thing I've ever watched in my life, but I don't really acknowledge it much. I think I do that for my sister and my mom because they're suffering through it pretty hard. I'm not even sure why I'm putting it here except that I figure it's just like putting it into the void. Today he mailed my younger daughter and letter opener that she said she wanted when she was 10. He was so convinced that she absolutely wanted to have it. And when we called him and spoke to him he told me he had made up his mind that he wanted to sell their house and move to a farm with us in Texas. If I actually thought my mom would go along with that I'd do it in a heartbeat. Not that he could even do much on it, other than sit and look at it. But that would be enough I think. It's a fucked up thing, like watching a slow motion car crash.
Fuck
Fuck.
It's coming up to the twenty year anniversary of my dad's death, and I think about him every day. Always positively, sometimes wistfully or in melancholy, but always with love. He developed an increasing dementia in the last few years and it was terrible. My two sisters were both abroad and my mum took the strain with a fortitude and dignity I've never seen another human display. He was extremely difficult to be around, impossibly anxious, negative and tightly wound. He was never physically difficult, but he was never able to find rest. It was exhausting to be in his company, and the occasional moments of clarity that came were filled with this terrible remorse and sadness, where he realised what was happening, who he had been and what he was. Fuck.
With hindsight, I wish I'd done more, but I was in my 20s, young, and just a bit fucking useless. But maybe this is just what happens - tragedy befalls us, and we can't fix it, and when the end comes we're all left wishing we could've done more.
All I can offer is what my mum did. Chin up, let's get on with it. It's like running a marathon. You never think you'll do 26 miles, but you just keep going, one step after the previous step, and one day you'll look back and realise you've done it. One day at a time, allow yourself pause for reflection, seek support occasionally, but offer supporot more often. Keep placing that foot in front of the other.
The upvote was in solidarity as I am sure you all know.
Sharing this for those of us who lost our parents or may do so not far down the road.
I watched my father draw his last breath (and Maureen's mom as well a bit later.)
At one point about two years before Dad died he was apparently suffering from dementia and his wife Marilyn had him go to a nursing facility for dementia patients. He was out in a couple weeks and back to his cantankerous self. Turned out that he was suffering from dehydration which can mimic dementia. The psychiatrist had called it "rapid onset dementia," which turned out to be a bogus diagnosis.
One night as I was leaving the facility after a visit, he walked me to the door. I was not sure whether he was going to make a break for it? He asked: "So Joe, what do you think about your old man having dementia? " I was not sure what to say. I knew there was something wrong but he seemed to be coming out of it. "I don't know what to say, Dad? You do seem a bit better tonight."
Well, I'll tell you what I think. I think it's a bunch of bullshit!"
But he did suffer for a while. He was planning on selling 20 large format still life photographs for a million dollars each and we were all supposed to follow him to Bali where we'd be given a small palace each. A priest managed to talk him out of it.
He had had a heart attack years earlier and his circulation steadily declined. About a week before he died he was hospitalized and he was in kidney failure. "What about dialysis he asked?" Well Joe, your heart just isn't pumping enough. If you went on dialysis you'd have to spend more time here and you'd probably get another week or two."
"Well, I guess that's it then." The doc asked him if it was OK to turn off the implanted defibrillator and he agreed.
About four or five days later he was unconscious and laying in a hospital bed in the living room where three out of his four children sat holding his hand . . . as over the space of a couple of minutes his respiration rate slowed and then stopped.
It's tough on any son or daughter when the man who was once the smartest and strongest man in the world to you becomes a shadow of his former self and then is gone.
We all get our turn in one form or another and in the meantime, hopefully there are many fond memories to bring some comfort - coupled with the knowledge that whatever suffering there was is gone.
Can't really add anything to what's been said but hugs man, sorry you have to face this. That sucks.
Sorry, dude. I don't really know what to say, but I wish you all the strength during difficult times.
Thats really sad, It's a terrible disease that doesn't just affect the people who have it but the people around them to, remember to take the time to look after yourself too
Sorry to hear that. Going through the same thing with my dad, but at a later stage now. One suggestion is not to try to correct them when they get shit wrong like the letter opener. Just try to be empathetic and assure them that everything will be fine since they are usually extremely frustrated as they decline. And enjoy what time you have left with them. My dad lost his ability to communicate more than a few words, so we can't even tell what he needs or is feeling anymore, yet he is otherwise healthy. He is feeling the dementia taking over as well as his life ending and is scared and cries a lot. It's a fucking hard way to go and for the family around you.
@Hogsaidin@Hog
Yes, my dad died of altshimers about 15 years ago..what strikes me about this thread is just how common it is... and how devastating it is for everyone around them...
My thoughts are with you
@Hogsaidin@Hog
Thanks, don't think there's going to be a cure. If I had it, the thing I would want is to be thrown out a Russian window before it took hold.. It's a really fucked up thing for the person and their family to go through.,
@Gators1saidin@Gators1
I found it much harder to deal with than my mother who died of cancer, and although she was in pain at least she knew what was going on...one of the last memories I have of my dad is when he was close to the end, and he was in hospital I was by his bed side, he suddenly just started yelling at me angrily, and we'll I didn't know was it me was it somthing he'd remembered from. The past..did he even know who or why he was shouting.. It's a terrible thing and it sticks with you for life
Thanks y'all. It's a shitty thing and I guess apparently quite common. My sister and I both would prefer to step in front of a train if it started happening to us. One of you said it, the worst parts are the moments of lucidity when he is back and knows what's happening to him. But those moments are awesome too because you get to actually be with him for a bit.
Yes sadly dementia and Alzheimer's are actually the leading cause of death in the uk... we are all living longer that's why more than half of us are likly to get cancer too
Sorry to hear this sad news. I've been through this with my father and more recently my father in-law, an it's not easy.
The bad news is there is no cure and all those meds out there do very little to slow the progression. At most, they give the family hope for more time. Also, don't think that this is something you can handle yourself. There will be a point where your dad will need to go to an assisted living which is better for everyone.
Do what you can and say what need to now.
An irony . . .
My Dad, his wife and my sister and her husband all lived in Nesquehoning Pennsylvania. I only got out there about twice a year for many years until about two or three years before Dad died at 82 . . . when I doubled up the visits to about four times a year. We would talk generally once a week on Friday nights as I drove to Oceanside. Back then I was still working five days a week.
When he was gone, I tried to keep up the routine with his wife Marilyn, but after some months she sounded a bit off and eventually she didn't pick up the phone or did not want to talk much . . . and so we eventually stopped talking.
Turns out, she was developing Alzeimer's and it took her about two years ago. We were not close as I was with my father, but it was sad and hard on her son Jason and the two grandchildren. I was told that she had become angry and struggled as well.
My mom only made it to 67. She and my dad were heavy smokers, up to three packs a day for many years.
Mom had developed a pain in her shoulder which turned out to be secondary bone cancer to primary lung cancer. She believed it was severe arthritis and we let her. Unlike Dad, she did not want to face death head-on. She gradually wasted away over the course of about seven months and eventually she got down to 75 pounds. Once that much weight has been lost, the person is subject to heart attack and that's how she went . . . in the middle of the night. I know she was scared whereas Dad was older and stoic when he went.
Another thing about assisted living/memory care, we used a free service when locating a place, called A Place For Mom. They know all the care facilities in your area and will give recommendations based on needs, cost, location, etc. They're very helpful. I don't know if they're just this area, State wide, or nation wide.
He told my sister that he thinks he is ready for such a place, but they are in Olympia. We've always wanted them to move here but mom is a Yankee liberal and thinks Texas is just MAGA nuts everywhere. She might have to make a choice soon though, as Houston is less expensive for care than Seattle.
I would get them close to you in a retirement home or to a sibling. Memory care sucks ass and you want to be able to have someone keep an eye on what's happening in there since your father can't stand up for himself. I hired a nurse to check up on him medically and have a few people in the area that visit him, but it's hard as fuck to try to remotely support them, not to mention ensure they are properly taken care of by the facility.